Рефлексия: тоска по Родине

Oct 09, 2012 77 Comments Автор

“Тоска по Родине! Давно разоблаченная морока! Мне совершенно все равно – где совершенно одинокой быть…” – в этом стихе еще в 1934 году Марина Цветаева пронзительно описала самую глубинную суть эмигранта в его скитаниях и таких противоречивых отношениях с родинами – оставленной и обретенными.

Цветаева, как помнится, вернулась. И сейчас некоторые возвращаются. И пытаются осознать, почему они это сделали.

Правда, современные попытки рефлексии “уехавших” мало напоминают Цветаеву. Возможно, потому, что в отличие от нынешних русских туристов, дауншифтеров и эмигрантов-с-обратным-билетом Цветаева уезжала – навсегда? И навсегда – вернулась…

“Возвратно-поступально” – озаглавила процесс эмиграции Алиса Мясищева и свое эссе в журнале “Сноб”, которое мы здесь публикуем без купюр с единственной целью – спросить: а как у вас?

“Эй, они ушли! Вы слышите? Да-да, все уехали. Можно возвращаться, не бойтесь”, –  так кричали нам из окна друзья, когда внезапный приезд родителей с дачи грозил разрушить все планы. Сидеть дома было скучно, и каждый рвался из него на улицу. Но стоило тоталитарной власти родителей ослабнуть, появиться возможностям в виде неограниченного телика и ресурсам в виде шкафа с вареньем, как тут же дом переставал быть таким уж скучным и непривлекательным.

 Еще лет десять назад повальная мода на “пора-валить-из-сраной-рашки” начала постепенно сменяться новой. Стало вдруг модно возвращаться в Россию. Те, кто и не думал никуда уезжать, смотрят на всю эту мышиную возню с недоумением, однако, под ней кроются сильнейшие трансформации мировоззрения. Представления о себе, государстве, бизнесе, работе и семье, такие одинаковые у выходцев из СССР, вдруг начали ломаться. И теперь мы имеем целый пласт общества, состоящий из тех, кто когда-то, радостно покручивая на своей половой оси одну шестую суши, валил подальше от березок и щей, каждый к своему раю. И которые теперь снова живут в нашей стране, уже не от безысходности.

 Одни с начала 2000-х оседали толстым слоем под пальмой, раскуривая трубку мира с хиппарями, видевшими под той же пальмой еще Джона с Йоко. Другие продали свои мозги капиталистическому Западу, и вместо великих открытий за национальную идею и зарплату дворника, ежедневно в белоснежных лабораториях спокойно занимаются тем, что, оттопырив мизинчик, переливают из мензурки в мензурку никому не понятные жидкости.

 Про вторых не скажу, а с первыми довелось общаться три года своей жизни. Ах, как сладок был тот первый год! Как приезжали и уезжали из унылой серой зимы молодые и не очень юноши и девушки, как одинаково они морщили обгоревшие носики, еще слегка пыльные от вчерашней party, от вопроса: “Ну как там?”

Потому что “там” было плохо. Там – пробки, коррупция и все так дорого. Бесконечная суета, от которой валишься с ног каждую пятницу в душный кабак, и в которой ничего, по сути, не происходит. Ночь сменяет день, зима сменяет лето, новые президенты сменяют старых, старые – новых, и никак все эти природные катаклизмы не победить.

На второй год ты начинаешь как сумасшедший путешествовать. Уже кажется такой ерундой “Великая русская мечта” – лежать у моря и ничего-ничего не делать. Хорошо не делать ничего, когда уже все сделал. А когда внутри кипит нереализованный потенциал, хочется уже, наконец, куда-то его пристроить. Найти применение своим возможностям, а не смотреть на то, как возможности гниют под тропическими ливнями.

Период путешествий может бесконечно растягиваться, в зависимости от любознательности путешественника. Может даже стать образом жизни, если получилось прикрутить к этому образу жизни трансформатор для выкачивания из него средств к существованию. 

Обычно же он длится от года до трех. Через три года без постоянного дома европейский человек без кочевого прошлого начинает с тоской смотреть на любого, у кого есть свой ковер-и-телевизор, полочки над которым хватает, чтобы вместить впечатления от всех поездок жизни. 

Меня затошнило от дороги на третий год. Я не пошла в Тадж-Махал, потому что меня тошнило от одного вида восторженных туристов. Я ненавидела бесконечные гостиницы и уже третий месяц возила с собой большое махровое полотенце, съедавшее полрюкзака. Полотенце было символом комфорта и непозволительной роскошью для всех, кто, как я, жил в рюкзаке и боролся за каждый грамм своего скромного, тщательно выверенного багажа. Не было никаких перспектив дома, но не было больше моральных сил быть настолько свободной. Я мечтала сидеть с 9 до 18 на работе, знать день аванса и зарплаты, и цвет унитазного сиденья, к которому завтра утром буду прижимать свои сонные ягодицы.

Если взять жизнь многих вернувшихся “поравалителей”, по многим внешним признакам она совершенно не отличается от того, что было до отъезда. Те же квартиры, та же, или не намного лучше, работа. Те же жены, только с еще волнистыми от афрокосичек волосами, те же дети, без особых мук совести прогулявшие два класса обязательной школьной программы. Те, кто никогда не уезжал, находят в этих людях подтверждение тому, что “никому мы там не нужны”. И действительно, не надо быть кандидатом наук, чтобы понять, что никто глобально не нужен ни одной стране мира, более чем налогоплательщик и боевая единица. 

 Но что-то меняется. Что-то переключается в голове. Ты уже не видишь одни подтверждения тому, что в этой стране жить нельзя. Начинаешь видеть ее плюсы и минусы, как плюсы и минусы любой другой страны мира. Однажды осознав, что за границей Российской Федерации не находится сплошной рай, где правители благородны, законы справедливы, цены ниже, а люди – добрее, вдруг открываешь для себя другую Россию. В которой перспективы, родной язык и общие шутки. Их не надо разжевывать, потому что и так понятны и смешны до слез.

 Есть страны, в которых теплее, чище и выше уровень жизни. Но может быть, стоило хотя бы раз уехать, чтобы понять, что борщ можно есть даже тогда, когда он выходит не дешевле лобстера? 

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